Seven years ago, I found my sister unresponsive at my parent’s house the day after Christmas.
That moment sent me into a tailspin. I had to change travel arrangements, prepare for a funeral, write a eulogy.
Oh, and tell my colleagues I wouldn’t be back for a while.
I logged onto my work computer that week, maybe to change my flight. One of my friends asked how my break was. My brain was so fried that I wrote back: ‘not good, my sister died.’
I realized then I should probably not spring the news on unsuspecting colleagues.
I sent an email to my boss and my assistant: ‘News from Katie’. I told them the briefest version of what happened and said I would come back to DC sometime in January, please tell the team.
My coworkers quickly leaped into action and provided the support I so badly needed but didn’t know to ask for. That is what I want to share with you.
I remember these moments and people seven years later
My assistant told the team what had happened so I didn’t have to
My boss called me from vacation to let me know he was thinking of my family and reassured me that I didn’t need the words to respond
My colleague immediately sent a fruit basket and card to my parents' house
My friend sent a care package with things that she knew would make me smile
A leader from another team sent a beautiful flower arrangement to the funeral home
The entire team let me quietly get back to work when I needed a distraction and also understood that sometimes I would go sit in a room by myself
That same boss was unfazed when I spontaneously cried in our meetings. He would calmly hand me a tissue and wait it out.
I also remember the people who said nothing. They knew what had happened, but they never acknowledged it. Looking back, I know they didn’t know what to say and were worried about saying the wrong thing. I definitely noticed.
This is an incredibly tough situation and something none of us wish to face. However, many people do lose someone over the holidays so it is best to be prepared. My advice on what to do and not do.
In the days immediately after
Say something. Even if you are worried about saying the wrong thing. A simple, ‘I’m thinking about your family’ works.
Don’t require them to make decisions: i.e. don’t ask if you should send food or flowers, just do it.
Make it okay for them to respond or not respond to whatever you send.
Don’t make it about you, this isn’t the time to share your own story of loss.
Later on
Let them lead - if they want to get back to work, if they need to be off video for a while, if they step off a project. Ask them what works and do your best to honor it.
Be ready for things to be kind of weird. Tears in a meeting, grab the tissues. They retreat into a dark room for a while, be there with a cup of coffee when they come back.
At some point, ask your colleague to share something they loved about the person - this is a beautiful question that will (hopefully) bring a smile to their face.
Share your own experience. I had a lot of people come and talk to me about losing a sibling and it was nice to feel the sense of community and support.
Don’t worry about getting it right or wrong, the most important thing is to show that you care. That is what people remember, the gestures - not the specific words on the card or in the phone call.
If you take nothing else away, know that saying something is the most important thing in these moments. Don’t let fear hold you back.
This is a moment of deep humanity, so meet it with humanity.
We miss you, Tiffany.
