“I recently took a new role to work for a leader who I had worked for previously. We have a strong relationship and this leader was willing to put me into a stretch role on this new team. This means I get a chance to prove that I’m ready for promotion to the next level. That is great, and I’m excited about the challenge and the opportunity.

However, there is one person on the team who is making things uncomfortable for me, let's call him Jim. Jim has been in the industry for about twice as long as I have, and we are at the same level. I’m now his direct manager. I get the sense that he wanted the stretch opportunity and is now upset that he has to report to someone at the same level who is younger than him. I want us to be partners but our interactions aren’t feeling productive. What can I do?”

• Stretch-role strife

Hi Strife. Congrats on your stretch role!

I’ve been on both sides of the table. The one who managed people with more experience and the one who was layered instead of promoted. I have a lot of empathy for you and for Jim. You’re both in a tough spot. However, there are things you can do to make it better and hopefully find a partnership model that works.

Know your change curves

Spend some time thinking about change curves. As humans, with any change, there is an emotional journey. Yours starts with excitement, dips down into frustration as you realize things aren’t all going to be easy in the new role (cue: current situation), and evens out to a new status quo.

In your change curve, there is no identity issue at play. Your self-perception and the new situation all support your vision of yourself as an awesome leader.

Jim’s change curve is twofold. He first has to grapple with a new manager. Then he has to contend with an identity shift. He thought he was on a certain path toward promotion and realized that the organization’s view of his abilities is not quite as high as he hoped.

Jim needs to figure out how he fits into the new picture. This is likely bringing up some fundamental questions about his career journey and how he wants to proceed as a professional. That’s big, heavy stuff. He has a lot of emotions to process and possibly a cave of despair to wander around in.

It is going to sting, but he can work through it with your help. In the meantime, be empathetic. Don’t give Jim a pass on producing work and acting like a professional, but know that his has some stuff to sort out.

Address the elephant in the room

You know this is awkward. Jim knows this is awkward. Have a conversation about how it is awkward together.

The things left unsaid help no one in this circumstance. You don’t want him to stew in silence (or disrupt team morale because he talks to all his peers about how he’s been slighted). And you don’t want to sit around wondering what’s happening in his mind or in his other conversations.

Get uncomfortable and have a conversation.

Something like: ‘Hey Jim, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to partner with you. You bring a wealth of knowledge on XX thing and I’m looking forward to learning YY from you as we work together. I also want to acknowledge our leveling and have a conversation about it. While I’m excited to have this stretch opportunity, I know it can be difficult to report to someone at the same level. How are you feeling about the change?”

Then be quiet and let Jim talk. He’ll say what he’s going to say.

There may be some awkward silences. He might need time to process and choose his words. If he doesn’t want to talk in that meeting, say okay and let him know that if he ever does want to talk in the future, you’re open to the discussion.

Do this sooner vs. later.

Don’t be a manager - be a partner

Because you are at the same level, chances are there are many things that Jim is good (or great!) at. Leverage those things. Don’t try to outdo Jim at the things he excels at. Figure out how he wants to add value and then get out of his way.

I remember having this exact conversation when I managed someone at my level. I told her that she was going to have control over her agenda and I would be there as a sounding board and impediment remover. BUT, mostly she was going to run the show. And then she did.

Side note: in the situation where I was layered, I remember my new manager telling me he ‘approved’ one of my emails so I could send it out. I was infuriated because that was something that definitely didn’t need approval (I’d been writing executive communications for years) and he wasn’t helping me get things done faster or better.

Don’t be that person. Stay out of the way when people are already great at a thing.

Invest in growth and development

There are reasons why Jim didn’t get the stretch opportunity. If his goal is to get promoted, you are not the barrier. The things that he needs to prove to the broader organization are his barrier. The problem existed before you showed up.

Figure out what is holding him back and be a coach and partner as he works on those skills.

One benefit of having a manager that is close in level is that they actually have time to spend on development. They can sit in on meetings and offer feedback in a way that senior executives (although well-intentioned) don’t have the capacity to do.

Authentically helping people grow is one of the fastest ways to gain their trust.

If, for some reason, Jim doesn’t want you to be his development partner, fine! Figure out his goals and partner him with someone who can help him grow. Your job is to make sure it happens, not necessarily to be the one doing the coaching and mentoring. You can always outsource that piece.

Include them in strategic conversations

You get an extra thinker, and probably someone who is going to challenge ALL your ideas, in Jim. Use the friction to refine your ideas. Include him in strategic sessions as you are designing the team’s broader agenda. Ask for his perspective on how to organize people, work, and objectives.

Let him lead parts of your team offsites and meetings. Truly lean on him as someone who has a lot to offer. Hopefully, he’ll step up and see that you are making a lot of space for him to shine as a leader. If he doesn’t - that is helpful information too.

The more he is able to do on behalf of you and your team, the more you can reach up and do things to make your boss’s job easier and broader team better. There is no losing scenario here, just a chance to free up your attention for things that are high-leverage.

What people want is a chance to do great work and be appreciated for it. You can be the one to make that happen. If you do that, any person regardless of level will come around.

Final notes on managing people at your level

• DO NOT COMPETE WITH THEM. They are not your rival. You don’t need to prove that you’re better, smarter, and more deserving of the leadership role. Be confident in your abilities and your position. Don’t be an ass about it.

• Don’t overdo it on leadership team meeting requirements. You might include the folks at your level in your boss's leadership team. If you do this, make your own leadership team load light. No one wins when you are all sitting in meetings talking about the same things multiple times a day.

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