Dear When I Grow Up,

I’m a fairly new people leader and have been managing a mix of contractors and associates for the past year. The team works hard and is a tight-knit group, they also have a big deadline coming up next month and are mostly heads-down in their work right now.

Last week, a member of the team died unexpectedly. I’ve never experienced this at work before with a colleague or with someone on my team. It feels so awkward to address it in a professional setting, especially after the trauma that we all went through over the last couple of years.

How can I balance supporting the team and helping them through this while also making sure the important work gets done for next month’s deadline? Should I hire a backfill right now or will that make it worse?

• Mourning manager

Dear Mourning. This is a truly unexpected experience for most of us as leaders. We are used to planning retirement celebrations, not memorial services.

In my career, I encountered two sudden passings, one when I was a Chief of Staff and one as a department leader. 

In both instances, people's reactions surprised me. Death is an event that brings out people’s humanity, so my overarching advice here is to be a human with the team. The best thing is to make space for the team to process the experience in their own way. 

Share the news respectfully

As the leader, you should send a message to your broader organization and your leadership chain. If this is new to you, ask for help crafting the message. Give your management chain talking points about the person so they can also share the news with the right audiences.  Check with the family before passing along details about services or donations.

Don’t avoid saying the person’s name or mentioning them. The team will look to you for cues here on when and how they can talk about the situation. Allow things to come up naturally.

Smooth the transition back to ‘work’

With a tight-knit group like yours, I recommend taking cues from them. Get the team together and have a conversation about what’s happening and how it affects them. People will cry. People will turn off their video or step away. Let it happen. Don’t stifle your own reaction - if you shed tears, that is fine. Try not to be a blubbering mess all day long, but feel your feelings with the group.

Know the person will ’show up’ in unexpected ways. On my team,  the previous month’s reports had the associate’s name. They told me this was hard but also kind of comforting to feel like he was still with them.

Don’t downplay the impact of the loss or expect people to get back to work right away. But also don’t prevent people from going heads-down. Some people will need quiet time to process. Some will want to get back to normal work as a distraction.

Make video optional for a while if your team norm is to be on camera. Don’t make people demonstrate their grief. Don’t perform yours.

Get creative to make sure work gets done

Your team has a deadline coming up. This is a place for you to lean in and get creative. If they truly won’t be able to complete the task, renegotiate the deadline or scope. You can also see if there are people on another team who might be willing to help out during this unique period.

I don’t recommend bringing in a backfill immediately, but you will need to restaff the team soon. Given the length of most hiring processes, you should be fine to start the wheels in motion ~2-3 weeks after. Be thoughtful about how you engage the team in the hiring and training process, and make sure they are ready to welcome a new member.

Support the team in remembering their colleague

Ask the team how they want to remember and recognize the person. This might look like gathering stories to share with the family, taking donations for a gift, or creating a memorial on the campus. There is no playbook, be open to supporting what feels right for the team.

On our team, someone wrote a lovely poem and drew a portrait of the person. They shared these memorials with the family along with a set of stories about the associate at work. You can encourage people to use their specific talents here.

When my sister passed it was hugely meaningful to receive flowers and care packages from my colleagues. Make sure you send something on behalf of the team. It doesn’t have to be big, but show you are thinking about the family.

If the family is open to participation in memorial or funeral services, make time for the team to attend. It will be optional, of course, but you need to make it okay to step away for that event. You should attend if at all possible.

You can also consider a memorial service on campus if you have an in-person location. We worked with the facilities team and planted a tree with a memorial plaque. The family joined the dedication ceremony; this shared experience created a space for closure.

Grief isn’t one size fits all

One of the tough things about this situation is that each person will process grief in a different way. Some people need to talk about it. Others want to get back to work. As a leader, you don’t know who is who.

We don’t experience death in the workplace frequently - we are better prepared for when someone’s relative dies. It might even hit the people who didn’t know the person all that well or didn’t work closely with them. You will definitely be surprised.

The best you can do is listen, support the team in the way they need to be supported, and be your authentic self through the whole process. I also recommend checking out and/or sharing this article about how to talk about loss with those affected. The gist is: you will get it wrong, but you should do it anyway.

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