008 - How can I stop freezing in meetings when I get an unexpected question?
“I run a process and controls for a large organization and have been doing this work for more than two years (longer than anyone else on my direct team). I know the process inside and out and produce reports that I deliver to the leadership team once a month in a meeting. During those meetings, I’m okay when I present the materials I prepared, but if I get put on the spot with a question I hadn’t thought about ahead of time or something that is in my area of ownership but not in the materials - it’s like my brain short-circuits. I have a mini panic attack and struggle to regain my composure to answer the question even when I know the answer! I worry that this deer-in-headlights reaction reflects poorly on me and my expertise. How can I get better at ‘in the moment’ answers?”
-Meeting mayhem
Hi Mayhem. First off, thank you for acknowledging this common, but not often discussed experience. I hear versions of this question frequently in coaching conversations. It often comes from people I wouldn’t expect it from because they are so poised and confident in our interactions. Meaning - this can happen to anyone.
Identify the pattern that needs changing
To change any pattern you first have to know what it is and identify the triggers. Congrats, you are already done with step one. The next step is to go deeper. What you are experiencing is both mental and physical and I recommend focusing primarily on the mental piece.
Get ready to do some soul-searching because the cause likely resides deep in your psyche. Your brain is sabotaging you by creating expectations and dialogue that simply don’t help you succeed.
Understand the expectations
Let’s cover expectations. There are two sets of expectations at play - one that comes from your organization and one that you are generating internally.
From the outside - your organization likely requires a few things from you:
that you run your process in a well-managed way
that you report on the process and alert leadership to anything that requires their attention
that you are the go-to expert when the leadership team has questions
The set of requirements you set for yourself might be a little different. It sounds like you are aligned on the first two - that you run a good process and report on the status and any concerning items.
For number three, you are not only placing the burden of expertise on yourself, but you are also saying that it should happen in the moment and that any question should be accessible to anyone within seconds or minutes.
See how that might be a bit extreme? Have a direct conversation with your manager or other leaders about the third expectation. Do it when you are not in the high-pressure meeting situation. Really understand the requirement so you can shape your approach accordingly.
Explore your inner dialogue
After expectations we’re going even deeper to your internal dialogue. The things you say to yourself matter a lot. Typically when I work with someone who has this physical reaction during a high-stress situation it is because they are saying some pretty nasty things to themselves.
You are likely doing this on an unconscious level. The way to bring it to the surface is to actively pay attention. In your next few meetings listen to the chatter in your head and write down whatever negative (or neutral) commentary pops up. For some it is about their appearance or the way they speak - telling themselves that they don’t measure up and therefore aren’t worthy of contributing.
My voice is high and squeaky, the way I talk makes me sound like I’m young and inexperienced so people won’t believe what I have to say
I’m overweight and look sloppy on the video screen, a real expert would look put together and fit so I must not be someone to take seriously
For some it has more to do with credibility and background.
I didn’t finish my four year degree and all these leaders are from top schools, therefore what I have to say isn’t important to them
I’ve only been in this role for four months and the person before me held it for two years, they won’t think I know what I’m talking about because I’m still learning
These are kind of hard to read, right? The things we say to ourselves can be so much harsher than anything we say to our friends or colleagues.
It won’t be comfortable but I want you to actively pay attention and come up with your own list of what your brain is identifying as shortfalls. Why you aren’t good enough or credible enough. Knowing what specific insecurities are holding you back is critical because you need to confront them and change the narrative.
Assess the truth
You might be shocked about what you ‘hear’ during this process. For some people, just writing it down on a piece of paper and looking at it is enough to snap out of the pattern.
With your list in hand, I want you to do a facts-based assessment. Start with facts that are observable and pertain to the insecurities you identified. Write them down.
I wear business tops and style my hair on meeting day
I have achieved an Associates Degree and X and Y certifications in my field
I have 15 years of experience in the pharmaceutical industry, 5 of which are in my current organization
My previous bosses have given me positive feedback on ownership and diligence
Etc Etc, Etc
Now, find a trusted colleague, mentor or ally at work and ask them for feedback on the areas of insecurity. Ask for facts or observations. You can do this with a rearview mirror (i.e. asking them to recall what they have noticed in the past) or set them up to provide feedback on an upcoming session.
It is quite possible that others are not noticing the things that you are focusing on. I want you to be equipped with actual data in order to change your mindset. Review all these data points together, in an emotionally neutral setting. Actually internalize what your voice is telling you, what the truth of the matter is, and what others are seeing.
Shut down the negative voice
Now we turn to actively combatting the negative voice by changing the narrative or by changing how we actually show up in the meeting.
Write a mantra that you can return to right before a meeting setting that reminds you that you are ready, capable and amazing at what you do. If you work from home, print it out and put it on your bulletin board. If you work in an office, put a reminder on your calendar that pops up before the meeting.
Example negative voice: I’m not credible because I don’t have a fancy four-year degree
Affirmation: I am incredibly qualified for this role because I have an Associates degree and over a decade of experience learning about the industry and this system specifically
If, during this exercise, you find data that indicates a slight change in how you present yourself might help - create a plan to make it easy!
Example negative voice: everyone wears a suit to the meeting except for me who wears a blouse
Change how you show up: keep a blazer handy and throw it on before the meeting to give yourself an extra boost
We’re now at the point where you are clear on your leadership team’s expectations (and have aligned your own expectations accordingly). You know what the detractor in your head is telling you that reinforces a negative self-perception, and you have some data points that indicate if and how much these things are actual problems. You have a mantra to use as a rebuttal if that voice pops up and strategies to change how you show up if needed. You are ready!
This will take work, it won’t change overnight. But with time, attention and practice you can get to a place where you aren’t holding yourself back.
Bonus tips to handle meeting stress
Say something early on in the meeting - don’t make the surprise question your one and only chance to make a positive impression in the meeting. By speaking up early you are demonstrating to your brain that you are a person who contributes to the conversation and that it goes well (positive reinforcement). Then when it comes time to answer the question you will be more relaxed and won’t have been sitting there building up anticipation for the previous thirty minutes.
If you don’t know the answer, say so and say when you will follow up (and then do it). You are still the expert, and still providing the answer in a timely manner.
For the next meeting, bring relevant information that was asked about in the previous one - you can even share it proactively.
If your brain does short-circuit in the meeting, repeat the question or clarify the question - this gives your brain a couple seconds to interrupt the pattern and reset itself. Those few seconds may be enough time to regain your composure and get the neurons firing in a more helpful way.